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Craig Hill
Oracle of DelphiThe Best of Craig's List
December 17th 2006 17:42
Check out the Best of Craig's List which includes some very funny and weird postings:
1. best of craigslist > washington, DC > Will pay to catch your cold!
Will pay to catch your cold!
Date: 2006-11-27, 10:24PM EST
It's a long story, but I need to be down with a cold by the end of this week. If you have a cold, I will literally pay you to cough all over me. Not a joke.
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2. best of craigslist > s.f. bayarea > BART 24th-W. Oakland. You threw up on my dog. - w4m
BART 24th-W. Oakland. You threw up on my dog. - w4m
Date: 2006-11-26, 4:35PM PST
I was hiding my new mutt puppy (Sam) in a very large bag. You got on at 24th/Mission reeking of stale booze. You sat next to me. You suddenly grabbed the bag containing Sam and vomited into it. Kudos on not dirtying the train, but I just spent the last hour desanitizing my dog with doggy shampoo. Thanks for the best BART ride of my life.
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3. best of craigslist > washington, DC > 7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL m4w
7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL m4w
Date: 2006-11-26, 5:03PM EST
Post day after day with no response? Post but only get spammers and porn sites? Answer a post and never hear back? Frustrated, lonely, tired, married and wondering “how hard is it to get a friggin’ handjob ferchrissakes?”
If you can’t figure out what’s going on, you might be guilty of one of the 7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL M4W. (Ladies, many of these could apply to your ads as well, I just am not familiar with them).
Habit 1: Starting your post with a plaintive “Are there any normal women/men/humanoids left?”
The answer, my friend, is a resounding NO . Maybe it’s because of global warming, or 8 years of Republicans, but all the normal folks moved to Canada or some shithole like that. So shut the fuck up and deal with the remaining dysfunctional misfits like the rest of us.
Habit 2: Starting your ad by saying that you’re heartbroken over an ex and go on to detail how she cheated on you lied to you broke your tender little loving heart etc and now you just want to find someone nice to replace THAT BITCH and to take your mind off her.
Um, do I look like your fucking therapist? I didn’t think so. Go out with your mates, get piss drunk, text the ex that she was a shitty lay and had a fat ass, and get over it like a man. Otherwise, I’ll charge you 120/hr like my therapist does to listen to my bitching and moaning about my exes, and I’ll still dump your sorry ass because whiny does not equal sexy.
Habit 3: total,compleetlack Of anYpunctuashion skillz,,that makes, me, wonder if you are , a, Nigerians Scammer . OR YELLING ABOUT HOW SENSITIVE AND KIND YOU ARE AND HOW YOU WANT TO MARRY A NICE NORMAL GIRLWHY CANT YOU FIND ANYONE NORMAL HOW COME NOONE RESPONDS??!!!
I’ll tell you why—it’s because no one can understand a goddam word you’re SHOUTING. Settle down, and remember, capitalization, periods, and the proper use of the comma are your friends.
Habit 4: You say “I promise you won’t be disappointed.” How the fuck do you know? What if I am looking for a 6’7” red headed trapeze artist who likes to shove popsicle sticks up his ass while yodeling? Every time someone has said “you won’t be disappointed,” I inevitably am.
Habit 5: You post the same, overly earnest, long winded ad EVERY DAY FOR MONTHS. Dude, you know who you are. Clearly, it’s not working for you. I suggest a different approach. Besides, I don’t have time to read your friggin dissertation. Brevity is the soul of wit and all that crap.
Habit 6: You post repeatedly, using the same picture, but with different ages, categories, descriptions of who you are and what you want. What, Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” wasn’t enough for you? Crreeeepy.
Habit 7: You are looking for a Girlfriend Who Squirts. Jesus H. man, you also won’t give up. I’m tempted to buy a water pistol, stick it up my vagigi and let er rip all over you just so I don’t have to see your fucking post one more time.
Okay folks, that’s all, back to your regularly scheduled program.
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4. best of craigslist > san diego > Dear cat: Don't disturb blinds when I'm watching porn
Dear cat: Don't disturb blinds when I'm watching porn
Date: 2006-10-01, 3:14PM PDT
Dear cat,
The girlfriend is away for three weeks, and though I am a person of strong will, three weeks is simply too long to bear without working one out. I don’t expect you to understand this need as you no longer have your ovaries, but trust me when I say, I NEED to.
If you ever took the CAT SATs, you might have seen this example analogy:
Getting off : me :: licking your ass : you.
Having established that, I request of you: Please do not disturb the fucking blinds when I'm watching porn!
You’re a cat, not a dog, so don’t give me that puppy-eyed look. You know what you’re doing. As soon as I settle back in my chair with some hot chick doing all the things that my girlfriend won’t, full-screen, you awaken from a dead sleep and run through the floor-to-ceiling blinds. I often shriek and my hard phallus, brilliantly backlit by the glow of the monitor, falls limp like a rhubarb stalk at the bottom of a Safeway bin. This wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have an entire row of apartments whose living room windows directly face me. For the love of my erection and reputation, or my love of my erection and reputation, keep on sleeping when I’m a’ jerkin.
I should have gotten a ferret.
Hugs and purrs,
Your owner.
P.S. And don’t stare at my balls. You give the same look to a string before you’re about to pounce on it. That frightens me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Craig's List is a worldwide online classified ad & forum site.
*All images added by me, pegasus.
Will pay to catch your cold!
Date: 2006-11-27, 10:24PM EST
It's a long story, but I need to be down with a cold by the end of this week. If you have a cold, I will literally pay you to cough all over me. Not a joke.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. best of craigslist > s.f. bayarea > BART 24th-W. Oakland. You threw up on my dog. - w4m
BART 24th-W. Oakland. You threw up on my dog. - w4m
Date: 2006-11-26, 4:35PM PST
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3. best of craigslist > washington, DC > 7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL m4w
7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL m4w
Date: 2006-11-26, 5:03PM EST
Post day after day with no response? Post but only get spammers and porn sites? Answer a post and never hear back? Frustrated, lonely, tired, married and wondering “how hard is it to get a friggin’ handjob ferchrissakes?”
If you can’t figure out what’s going on, you might be guilty of one of the 7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL M4W. (Ladies, many of these could apply to your ads as well, I just am not familiar with them).
Habit 1: Starting your post with a plaintive “Are there any normal women/men/humanoids left?”
The answer, my friend, is a resounding NO . Maybe it’s because of global warming, or 8 years of Republicans, but all the normal folks moved to Canada or some shithole like that. So shut the fuck up and deal with the remaining dysfunctional misfits like the rest of us.
Habit 2: Starting your ad by saying that you’re heartbroken over an ex and go on to detail how she cheated on you lied to you broke your tender little loving heart etc and now you just want to find someone nice to replace THAT BITCH and to take your mind off her.
Um, do I look like your fucking therapist? I didn’t think so. Go out with your mates, get piss drunk, text the ex that she was a shitty lay and had a fat ass, and get over it like a man. Otherwise, I’ll charge you 120/hr like my therapist does to listen to my bitching and moaning about my exes, and I’ll still dump your sorry ass because whiny does not equal sexy.
Habit 3: total,compleetlack Of anYpunctuashion skillz,,that makes, me, wonder if you are , a, Nigerians Scammer . OR YELLING ABOUT HOW SENSITIVE AND KIND YOU ARE AND HOW YOU WANT TO MARRY A NICE NORMAL GIRLWHY CANT YOU FIND ANYONE NORMAL HOW COME NOONE RESPONDS??!!!
I’ll tell you why—it’s because no one can understand a goddam word you’re SHOUTING. Settle down, and remember, capitalization, periods, and the proper use of the comma are your friends.
Habit 4: You say “I promise you won’t be disappointed.” How the fuck do you know? What if I am looking for a 6’7” red headed trapeze artist who likes to shove popsicle sticks up his ass while yodeling? Every time someone has said “you won’t be disappointed,” I inevitably am.
Habit 5: You post the same, overly earnest, long winded ad EVERY DAY FOR MONTHS. Dude, you know who you are. Clearly, it’s not working for you. I suggest a different approach. Besides, I don’t have time to read your friggin dissertation. Brevity is the soul of wit and all that crap.
Habit 6: You post repeatedly, using the same picture, but with different ages, categories, descriptions of who you are and what you want. What, Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” wasn’t enough for you? Crreeeepy.
Habit 7: You are looking for a Girlfriend Who Squirts. Jesus H. man, you also won’t give up. I’m tempted to buy a water pistol, stick it up my vagigi and let er rip all over you just so I don’t have to see your fucking post one more time.
Okay folks, that’s all, back to your regularly scheduled program.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. best of craigslist > san diego > Dear cat: Don't disturb blinds when I'm watching porn
Dear cat: Don't disturb blinds when I'm watching porn
Date: 2006-10-01, 3:14PM PDT
Dear cat,
The girlfriend is away for three weeks, and though I am a person of strong will, three weeks is simply too long to bear without working one out. I don’t expect you to understand this need as you no longer have your ovaries, but trust me when I say, I NEED to.
If you ever took the CAT SATs, you might have seen this example analogy:
Getting off : me :: licking your ass : you.
Having established that, I request of you: Please do not disturb the fucking blinds when I'm watching porn!
You’re a cat, not a dog, so don’t give me that puppy-eyed look. You know what you’re doing. As soon as I settle back in my chair with some hot chick doing all the things that my girlfriend won’t, full-screen, you awaken from a dead sleep and run through the floor-to-ceiling blinds. I often shriek and my hard phallus, brilliantly backlit by the glow of the monitor, falls limp like a rhubarb stalk at the bottom of a Safeway bin. This wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have an entire row of apartments whose living room windows directly face me. For the love of my erection and reputation, or my love of my erection and reputation, keep on sleeping when I’m a’ jerkin.
I should have gotten a ferret.
Hugs and purrs,
Your owner.
P.S. And don’t stare at my balls. You give the same look to a string before you’re about to pounce on it. That frightens me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Craig's List is a worldwide online classified ad & forum site.
*All images added by me, pegasus.
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Comment by postmoderncritic
Postmodern Critic
Relativity Watch
Padsoc
> Maybe it’s because of global warming, or 8 years of Republicans, but all the normal folks moved to Canada
I'd say it's the latter!!!
Have you noticed any perceptible growth in non-dysfunctional people in Calgary, Pegs?
Comment by pegasus
Poker Addict
These 'rants' on Craig's List crack me up too. I didn't put all of the funny ones here as there were far too many (and some were a bit too obscene).
Luckily, most people in Calgary are kind and friendly to start with so we wouldn't really notice an influx of more! lol. btw, we just reached 1 million people...but the city grew so quickly that we still feel & act like a friendly small town.
Talk to you soon, my friend.
Peg
Comment by postmoderncritic
Postmodern Critic
Relativity Watch
Padsoc
I'll have to look it up... I think it's based in the Bay Area, right? I spent some time over there so the BART brings back memories.
1 million people sounds nice and cosy... Sydney is a city of four mil.
Take care ~
Comment by pegasus
Poker Addict
So, it takes forever to get around town. LOL, I guess a city could have worse problems, no?
Have a great day!
Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Comment by pegasus
Poker Addict