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Craig Hill
Oracle of DelphiStupid Questions about Canada, Smart Answers
May 26th 2007 16:28
Here are some oh-so-clever questions foreigners have asked about the Great White North (as posted on an International tourism site). The hilarious Canuck answering them is sure to get a free beer from me should we ever meet!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, Gay bars.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter / gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent. They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out will scare them off.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You're an American politician, right?
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
*Are there any stupid questions asked about your nation that simply left you dumbfounded and wanting to offer a wise ass answer?*
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What did your last slave die of?
"You're 100% correct if you think that all Canadians live in igloos in a year-round frozen tundra eating whale blubber".
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, Gay bars.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter / gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent. They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out will scare them off.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You're an American politician, right?
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
*Are there any stupid questions asked about your nation that simply left you dumbfounded and wanting to offer a wise ass answer?*
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Comment by D. Armenta
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
I have a soft spot for anyone with manners *and* a sly sense of humor! It's such a rare thing these days.
Great Post.
Comment by pegasus
Poker Addict
Thanks! I love anyone who loves us Hosers, eh.
Did you used to watch 'Bob & Doug McKenzie'?
They just aired a special for the boys' 'two - four' anniversary last weekend. Translation: Bob & Doug first brought us their hosehead shenanigans 24 years ago...and a 'two - four' is Canuck slang for a case of 24 beers!
so, 'take off, eh!'
Nice to have you visit.
Pegs
Comment by D. Armenta
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
HBF (hoser best friend) tells me that show came about because CBC wanted more Canadian-oriented humor.
Hard to believe it's already been 24 years!
Comment by charliesgirl_992000
Histeries, Mysteries and what not
Lifes little slices
Mystical Creativity
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking..."
LOVED this one. and LOVED the picture!!!
Tammy
Comment by pegasus
Poker Addict
Yes, I loved that one too. Simply hilarious.
Isn't that a gorgeous photo? Love the beautiful Northern Lights. Dazzling.
Cheers,
Pegs
Comment by copyrightinfringement
The Igloo with northern lights is copyrighted exclusively by Rolf Hicker Photography.
To see more of Rolf's northern light pictures go here:
<a Really Long Link >northern light pictures</a>
Comment by Anonymous
Come on you americans, do we go around asking " hey do you guys still run around on horses screaming ' the british are coming the british are coming'"?
Anyways, totall love the moose question!!! ( what idiot doesnt know what a MOOSE is????
Cool,
Ash.